….I suspect that a good chunk of New Years Resolutions are actually an exercise in taking ruthless stock of our flaws and shortcomings, then declaring war on them under the flag of personal growth. As Julia Cameron put it in The Artist's Way, "Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves"….

….One of the most common objections I hear to anti-perfectionism is a fear of stagnation. A fear that if we stop pushing, criticizing, and correcting ourselves, we’ll stop growing—or worse, slide backward into old patterns we worked hard to escape. A lot of us have an immediate ick reaction to the idea of being exactly who we are, right here right now. As is.

Our inner perfectionist hates that idea….

….Perfectionism is not just a cute word for high standards and shiny achievements. It’s not a 4.0 GPA, a tidy house, or an alphabetized bookshelf. It’s not the healthy pursuit of excellence or the honest desire to grow. And it’s not simply the pressure to meet cultural, familial, or religious expectations, though these are important conversations to have….

….I’m a sucker for gatherings, traditions, feasts, twinkle lights, and holiday magic of all kinds. But as a mom, I know the magic doesn't happen spontaneously: it takes a lot of planning and work.

The stress can get overwhelming and make us secretly dread the holidays a little. I think that’s a shame, so I’d like so share these very actionable, very anti-perfectionistic steps to take the holidays back….

….Our appreciation for these things is rooted in the ache we feel when they go away. All good things—sight, relationships, health, good days—are temporary. When they are present, our awareness of their impermanence brightens them as exceptions and as miracles. In other words:

Gratitude is grief before the loss comes.
Grief is gratitude after the loss….

….Here’s what I know after years of sitting with anxious perfectionists, big feelers, overthinkers, and my own stubborn brain—

Genuine gratitude is not compulsory, not performed. It’s wild and trembling. It visits like a bird to a birdfeeder; it doesn’t come when we demand it but when we make space for it to land. With a bit of intention and attention, we can prepare ourselves to be the landing spot. Here are three small, accessible practices to try….

….Listen, I love a good perspective shift. I’ll always cheer for the humble acknowledgement of our gifts and privileges. But I don’t think that’s what we’re doing when we say these things; underneath these ostensibly grateful words, I think the real message is:

“Something here is bothering me, but I feel guilty for having feelings about it.”

What a tidy way to dismiss our own emotions: it’s guilt disguised as gratitude, self-invalidation dressed up as virtue….